1. My attempts to interact, or my presence, or my asking for anything, are treated like a task. A task here means what must fit in a schedule, is a headache, not fun, and only worth completing to appease an authority (a person or a higher principle). It is also to be gotten out of as fast as possible, and is conceived as impinging on one's freedom. This often comes with the second sign i'm going to list, catastrophic overthinking.

2. Catastrophic overthinking of what I say. Whatever I say turns into a game of finding the right move. It is overanalyzed, but in a way that's at best useless, at worse actively detrimental to the bond. What I say and do is flattened onto very restrictive frames, such as that of the transaction, or that of what a friend is "supposed to do" that they got from somewhere else and don't stand up to any scrutiny. Since it won't fit how I function, they're stuck overthinking and reach weird ideas.

3. Shitty gamification Related to 2, it's when the other party turns the whole friendship into a game of guessing the "right move". They lose all authenticity, are increasingly cautious with the words they choose, and their personality disappears from the bond. That makes them prone to increased resentment. This is almost impossible to fix because any conversation about the issue will also be shittily gamified. This is what Bateson calls a double bind.

4. Failure to institutionalize We get into recurring interactions that we both enjoy—very positive. But then, if I try to talk about how to make them work more reliably, or more often, the other party flounders. Changing messengers is suddenly too hard, condensing into an email rapid fire messages one can't immediately answers is not doable for some reason, merely formalizing an existing rhythm of interactions into a schedule is avoided, etc. This prevents responding to external challenges.

5. They don't have the time anymore but won't try fixes. This is the typical external challenge that sign 4 was about. Schedules fall out of sync, or someone has less available time? This often can be fixed if each party cares enough and is intentional enough. For example, why not exchange small gifts to make each other's presence be felt? Or go for exchanging longer form letters? A persistent refusal indicates they just won't make the time for you.

(i'll surely add stuff later)

A long time ago, I was told by someone wiser that a romantic relationship is a long exercise in managing frustration. Not all that different from life in general, really.

6. No room outside of rigid types. Between strangers we classify each others using types (the secretary, the non-profit volunteer…), and it's useful. With friends though, we face the singular, and types find their limits. If one insists on using them, one simply prevents the formation of unique bonds, and will systematically misrecognize the other. This can turn genuinely hurtful. It also interacts badly with memory issues, as what doesn't fit one's types will be harder to recall. #whisperenter to follow

7. Asking for more presence/intensity is misunderstood as asking for more time together. I suspect this is conflation with the logic of romance and cohabitation. In reality, this can be achieved with deeper but not longer interactions, more meaningful gestures, more enduring infrastructure (as objects or habits). Obviously, believing that "more friendship = more time together" quickly runs into practical issues. Co-occurs with sign 4 and 5 a lot. #whisperenter to follow

8. Viewing friend-making as a market. Those who have this view will see you as a static product against which they immediately match, or they assume nothing is possible. If you have, like any normal living being, a lick of complexity, their snap judgement will be full of wrong assumptions. Alas sometimes this is also done by persons who otherwise could be decent friends. They create their own missed opportunities. I'd call that a straight up red flag now. #whisperenter to follow

9. Mutual aid moral accounting of absolute effect or effort. Mutual aid in friendship is great. Accounting very roughly who did what is helpful to avoid exploitation. But how you do the accounting is extremely important. Imo it should be efforts relative to one's resources and opportunities—that is, a ratio, if this could be measured. This implies being aware of each other's lives! If you combine low effort & high effect mutual aid, you're going somewhere very interesting. #whisperenter to follow

10. They won't give you enough context about their life for you to adapt to them. Maybe this is more common over text, but if they withhold crucial information, like how they're currently distraught, very busy, sad, and so on, then obviously you cannot make good suggestions for shared activities, what you say might feel irrelevant to them, you may make faux pas, and worse, you can't be there for them. Turns out "how are you doing" can be very useful and need a honest answer. #whisperenter to follow

11. No moment of unreflective interaction ever arises. If you follow principles, rules, habits, they gotta fit the both of you, and prop the friendship up—otherwise they suck. This should lead to moments when you don't need to think much about the friendship, or about the other person as a separate, unknowable, potentially dangerous person. You can just have fun. Or be confidants. Especially when everything else in life is hard. This pretty much a practical utopia. #whisperenter to follow